Dear Baby Weight,
You seemed so cruel at first, because you arrived, but delivered no baby into my arms. When they took the baby out of me, they left you. It didn’t seem very fair for my pants not to fit for no reason except I helped myself to extra tacos when I started expanding in baby love. There was an implied promise that the tacos would go to the baby, not add to the sadness.
Now not only do I have grief, I have self-consciousness and body image issues. Thanks a lot.
However, though I fight bitterness toward you, I want to thank you. You remind me that I was pregnant. Twice! You won’t let me try to brush it under the rug or rush ahead to happy feelings. You say to me every day, “That happened. And it was sad.”
I need to remember it happened. In some ways, I never, ever forget for even one second, but in other ways, I try very hard to push it out of my mind. But I am reminded of it every time I put on pants or think about swimming (Texans think about this a lot actually once May gets close).
You make me do things that are healthy for me to do in a time of grief–get out of the house and move. I’m running. Running! I hate running. But exercise is good when you’re sad, they say. It magically makes me feel productive and in control and filled with adrenaline. It gets me talking with JD as we walk around the track after the run. We need to talk.
You also make me choose kale instead of pizza (I still love you, pizza), which is good for my brain and my sleep and my digestive system. I choose water in the morning instead of a 3rd cup of coffee (love you, too, coffee), and I think about my sleep. For awhile, I laid awake for hours and my eyes felt like dried out swimming pools, but now I want to sleep better. And I do because of that running thing and the fewer cups of coffee thing. I think less about my life being a big bucket of sorrow in the light of day, so thank you for rescuing me from the night.
Sometimes I think you’re whispering to me, “Shaaaaame.” But then sometimes it sounds more like, “Shhh…amazing grace.” The second whisper is coming around more frequently.
So, Baby Weight, thank you for sticking around. I needed you more than I thought I did.